You might recognize the title from a landmark paper in the machine learning world. Ever since the publication of the paper, I can’t stop associating the catchy title to my experience in taking care of my little one.
While "Attention Is All You Need" revolutionized how machines process language, I’ve found the phrase resonates deeply, perhaps even more profoundly, in the realm of early childhood parenting. For our little ones, especially under the age of three or four, attention isn’t just one thing they need – it feels like everything. My journey suggests they require maybe 120% of it.
When my son was born, the title "father" landed softly, almost abstractly. It took time for the reality to sink in, for the shift from 'man' to 'father' to truly take hold. Looking at this tiny human, the label itself offered little traction. The turning point came unexpectedly, while filling out paperwork. There it was: the word "dependant." That struck me hard. Suddenly, it wasn’t abstract anymore. For this little life, at least for these crucial first few years, you are their entire world – their heaven and earth. He depends on you. That word wasn’t just a classification; it was a weight, a responsibility, a promise.
Balancing this new reality with the life I knew before was, frankly, difficult. My time, once my own, now belonged almost entirely to him. Explaining this shift to friends without children was equally challenging. Faced with the immense need of my dependant, I made a conscious decision: I devoted myself fully to his care. My social circle faded into the background. I temporarily disconnected from the wider world, pouring all my energy into being present for him. It felt like the only way to provide that 120% attention he seemed to require.
Fast forward to today. My son is three years old. He’s blossomed. He has developed a sense of self, expresses his own thoughts, and we can chat about almost anything. The intense, all-consuming need for constant vigilance has eased, just slightly. I feel I can perhaps reduce my focused attention from that demanding 120% down to maybe 92%. He’s building his own inner world. Yet, the need for connection, for my attention, remains a constant undercurrent. He still frequently seeks it, reminds me that I am his anchor.